THE ART OF SAVING MARRIAGES BY SMALL “GIVING”

The increasing focus on personal entitlement
In a modern world where the traditional values of constant companionship, sharing of responsibilities and faithful piety have been significantly eroded, the development of mutually respected relationships is under severe threat. The next decade will be an era of increasing independence where families will carry out individual pursuits and see personal development and personal fulfilment as personal entitlements.

Attitude that focuses on self-entitled rights
The emphasis of “self” and the enhancement of personal development are not without its benefits. Unfortunately it has given rise to an attitude where the individual has become an entity of self-entitled rights. “Why should I” have become synonymous with what is right. Everything has become conditional and this is most pronounced in marriages today.

The pervasion of the “Why should I?” mentality
Men today are under great pressures to succeed financially and materially and such pursuits have brought them further away from their families and in particular their wives. In response, wives are also becoming less house-bound and more career-oriented. The “why-should-I mentality has become pervasive as lines are blurred in marriage responsibilities.

A colder platform of individual rights
This has given rise to a serious erosion of values related to love, sacrifice and giving. Marriages are conditional upon performance and everything has become issues of reciprocation. If the husband is to give more time and more attention to the family, he expects greater subservience and more subordination. If the wife is to give more love and more devotion to her spouse, she expects to be treated well and with greater respect. All such conditions set are not without merit. But it has given rise to a much colder platform for relationships to flourish.

Increasing difficulties in marriages
The twenty-first Century culture is a focus on the individual and the continued prominence of such a framework has led to growing difficulties within marriages. People are now more comfortable watching long hours of television serials or sitting at the computers playing games and surfing the Internet rather than sitting and communicating with their spouses. Likewise the rapidly growing entertainment Industry has led to a huge burst of entertainment options. The unprecedented rise in personal “satisfaction” programs has made people self-oriented and self-sufficient.

Impersonal feelings are in, more personal connection is out
Even before the explosion of the Internet and its influence on the social scene, marriages were under severe stress. “Giving” in the past has not been exactly generous but at least it was not as restrained. Today, “giving” has become far more difficult to express in marriages. The lack of giving which was once frowned upon has become a norm. What is alarming is that spouses have begun accepting such a state of impersonal feelings as acceptable. The extension of such standards into the marriage relationship has led to a rapid decline in interactive activity within the family. The reasons are many - Not going for holidays together is acceptable even if separate holidays are taken with friends;’ Interacting less so long as spouses are happy are acceptable facets of a marriage relationship; Less communication is not necessarily bad because more might lead to unwanted trouble; not sharing common interests may be a good thing as it would lead to the development of the individual. The list goes on.

Moral justification has become the standard
Today justification is the moral voice and more can mean less. Husbands have become less committed to their spouse and family. Walking out of an unhappy situation should be better than staying and making everyone else unhappy. Wives have also become more rational. If the husband cheats on you, do the same to him is the call. Moral reciprocation should be the moral choice and the voice of “modern” conscience goes on.

Save your marriage relationship by being different
The majority trend in the present world is fortunately often the wrong choice. The world is increasingly facing a ‘majority’ deterioration of standards and what is right is frequently the smaller minority. It is really interesting. The majority results show the majority in the wrong. Look at the divorce statistics. How can the breaking up of marriages be the moral standard? Since when has moral decay been the right choice?

Ask any man or woman who has gone through the brokenness of a failed marriage and the terrible heartache of seeing his children go through the throes of a traumatic separation. Ask any spouses who have gone through such heart-wrenching moments and see if he or she can say that what he has done is right.

At such situations, it is ‘right’ only because the two individuals involved in the marriage have chosen the easy way out and escaped from their responsibilities. They have in essence escaped from difficulties which they should have fought to reverse. Escape simply means that they have abdicated their right to loyalty in their marriage and they have instead chosen to move into a selfish choice which probably allows them to love someone else again.

There is a solution – starting to take the small steps in giving
There is a solution in many such failed relationships. Most relationships in this situation have simply withdrawn their capacity to give to that relationship. If small steps are taken to start giving again, many miraculous openings could take place. I have helped many marriages bridge this relational gap through the “giving again” policy.

A special kind of giving – unconditional and generous
Such an approach has seldom failed. From the context of communicating well right up to the sexual relationship in that marriage, giving without conditions has always brought about reciprocation and eventual reconciliation. Such giving is an act of the will and it demands no conditions. Tough as it is, it remains probably one of the most effective ways to save a marriage.

It is best reflected in the vows of marriage which goes against the very traits of moral selfishness. It is a commitment to love despite failings and to stay on with each other regardless of reciprocation. In the true order of relational excellence, it is such selfless generosity that has the only chance to bring true healing.

My personal testimony
How do I know? I was in just such a position before. I had failed continuously to exercise the responsibilities of a husband who should have provided for the family and should have given his wife love and the priority that any new young wife should have. When she walked out of that marriage, I could not complain because I knew that I had pushed her to the limits. When I saw my two daughters then who were just 3 and 2 years old, my heart broke. I knew I could never face the terrible consequence of seeing their lives destroyed at that young and precocious age.

It took a lot of guts and soul-searching but I plucked up the courage to seek the forgiveness of my wife and although there were no guarantees that I would not revert to my old ways, I started giving a little bit more each time. It was not easy but I knew there could be no other way for our relationship. I gave unconditionally one small step at a time and this act of the will healed the many wounds in our marriage. If you want desperately to save your marriage, follow this time-tested solution. Give, a little at a time and see how restoration can come because you decided to love again.